


MANN GEGEN MANN- rammstein one shots

by doktor_flakes



Category: Feeling B, German - Fandom, Rammstein, emigrate - Fandom, metal - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alot of Blood, Anxiety, Autism, Blood, Crying, Disabled Character, Disgustingly fluff, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt No Comfort, I cant spell sorry, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lots of tears, M/M, Murder, Other, Relationship(s), Running Away, Self-Harm, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trigger Warnings, but happy stories, flake has alot of issues in this, fluff and comfort, fluff and no comfort, fuck step parents, headcanons, keine lust au, kiss kiss, man this is edgy, mute paul, some triggering subjects, stop abusing richard 2021, till is the best in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:41:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28843284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doktor_flakes/pseuds/doktor_flakes
Summary: !!!𝐆𝐨𝐭𝐭 𝐰𝐞𝐢ß, 𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐤𝐞𝐢𝐧 𝐄𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐢𝐧???random stories and oneshotsalot of fluffand alot of tears
Relationships: Oliver Riedel/Christoph Schneider | Doom, Paul Landers/Christian Lorenz | Flake, Richard Kruspe/Christoph Schneider | Doom, Richard Kruspe/Paul Landers, Richard Kruspe/Till Lindemann, Till Lindemann/Christian Lorenz | Flake
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hopefully you guys enjoy :D  
> my wattpad is DoktorFlakez  
> love you all  
> danke

Keine lust au  
( except paul is skinny, you’ll see why)

Paul pov

Over the 4 year break of rammstein, all of my bandmates think there the hot shit, like there pimps or something. God, the last time I saw till he gained a shitload of weight and had women patting sweat off his face and giving him everything at the wave of a hand. I never gained weight due to me living with flake and walking with him in the park. Well, after about a year of the break, I was living with flake due to my ex-girlfriend refusing to let me go in the apartment anymore… ( not his current wife, a made up woman) so flake was pretty happy to let me live with him. He likes the company, he barely gets out due to his sickness, he's embarrassed of his wheelchair and thinks everyone will look at him, in his words, “ as the skinny freak on wheels”. He needs help sometimes with getting in and out of bed due to his muscular dystrophy, some days he can walk a little, some days he's bed ridden and can't eat due to the pain of moving his legs. Right now he's on his laptop, he’s always on it, and typing probably a story since he likes writing. He's at the kitchen table and I'm on the couch, pretty close to the kitchen table, strumming my guitar. 

Strumming broken, random notes, i hear flake slam his laptop closed and just sigh really loud, “ Im fucking sick of this shit!” he yells. He cradles his head on his two hands, covering his eyes. I put my guitar down and sit up, “ What's wrong doktor?” I ask as I put my feet on the wood floor. He just shakes his head, and sniffs, I assume he’s crying. I get up, walk up to his chair, and kneel down. I put my hand on his wrist to pull his hands away from his eyes, and he looks at me with his red eyes, “ I can’t fucking do this anymore paul! I CAN’T! I'm sick of being in pain just from moving my foot! I hate having to be in a wheelchair, and not being able to just go outside and walk around, go to the store, music shop, without getting looks of sympathy! “ he continues on wiping his eyes with his thumb, “ Remember how active I was during feeling b and herzeleid! I danced like an idiot! And now I have to sit on stage! Till cant do any of the tricks he used to do on me anymore except mein teil and ich tu dir weh cuz i dont have to walk… i just throw something at till now… I don't even kick him! I'm the freak of the band paul…” he looks down quietly at the glass table and cries harder. I sigh and pull up a chair next to him, “ flake, you can't help this, i know what your gonna say, ‘ BUT I WISH IT WAS JUST GONE, I WANT TO BE NORMAL’, well let me tell you something pretty boy” i say as he looks at me. I put his hair behind his ear, “ youre still beautiful, walking, sleeping, fucking, laying down, in a wheelchair, you’ve always been a handsome man christian. Even when we first met as teens, when you had bleached blonde hair and those ugly ass shoes. And when i had that weird ponytail… flake your not a freak, your probably the most unique of the band! You know how many kids who are in a wheelchair see you perform and get inspired to make music or become confident because you can do it in a wheelchair!” I say with a smile on my face, he puts his hands on his lap and picks at the sleeve of his old school sweater. He shrugs, “ i just,... I don't know,...sometimes I just miss being able to walk around for hours…” he says sighing, he tries to get up, by pushing his hands onto the side of the table, pushing himself up and shutting his eyes shut. I get up and think about helping him, but I knew how stubborn he was. The look on his face says, ‘ i can do this, i swear i will do this’ he starts to stand, his feet curving to the side. He coughs a little then uses the chair to turn. He realizes his wheelchair is by the couch. He looks at me, “ may you get that paul” I nod and get his wheelchair. I push it to him and he tries to sit but falls back into the chair, shaking a tad. I look at him and open my hand, “ you did a very good job flake, im proud of you” he takes my hand and lifts himself up. I help him walk to the wheelchair a little and he sits down and sighs in relief. I chuckle, “ i'm taking today isnt the best day for pain” i kiss the top of his head and smiles, “ oh fuck off paul, but thank you for helping me” he smiles and pulls my sleeve, he does this when he wants a kiss. I give him a kiss and then I kiss his forehead, and both his cheeks, brushing his hair out of the way. He’s a strong willed person, only every couple days he asks for my assistance for walking or getting up. He always tries, and always succeeds. 

He starts to wheel his way to the front door, “ want to go to the music shop? I want to get something for my keyboard, plus i saw you eyeing something and i know you’re gonna ask me to go back at least one time this week” i smile, “ let me get my messenger bag, and we can go off!” I run to the room we share and I grab my bag. He's playing with the joystick of his wheelchair as I turn the corner. He seems to be daydreaming about something. I pat his shoulder, and he looks at me, “ lets go!” I say as I open the door and we go on the elevator to the bottom floor and leave the building to the music store a couple blocks away. He looks so happy, makes me smile. I put my hand on his head and ruffle his hair, causing him to swat my hand away, “ we should dye your hair blonde again, you looked fabulous!” i laugh as he fixes his glasses, “ maybe” he says 

Three hours later

When we got home, we ate at a little restaurant so we were both pretty tired. He needed to rest, I can see he was in a lot of pain. He stops his chair by the table where he was previously, and gets up slowly and takes one of the canes ,that helps him walk from one point to another, and starts walking slowly towards the couch. I walk behind him and watch him sit down on the couch. He flicks his hair out of his face, and just sits there with his eyes closed, I sit next to him. I put my arm around him and he lays his head on my shoulder, as we sit in silence. I start brushing his hair with my fingers gently, I lay his head in my lap, elevating his legs softly onto the couch. He doesn't like tv, so he didn't have one, he did have a remote controlled radio, he always has it on. I take the remote and press play, playing some yesterday by the beatles, and he starts humming to it. He takes my free hand and holds it close to him, I smile and squeeze his hands. I take my other hand from his hair, and lay it on his hip bone and rub circles on it. He always had pain in his hips and calves, sometimes his arms, but only when his whole body is in absolute pain. I smile and close my eyes, calm and content.


	2. Just let me adore you, oh honey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he starts to kiss my whole face, even my eyelids. I just chuckle and turn a light shade of red, he then kisses my jaw and puts his hands on my shoulders. I smile and he smiles at me, “ i'm so proud! I wish you told me earlier reesh! I would've gotten something for you, asshole!” i laugh a little and shake my head, “ never came up because of your constant chatter, your mouth is always on a run paulchen” ...
> 
> l

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy guys  
> misha :D

Richards pov

I was sitting on the couch with paul, we came back from some party and Schneider dragged me too. At least Paul was there, he always makes me happy to be anywhere. I look at him as he’s laying down on the couch, his legs in my lap, blabbering about something. I love Paul, but he can talk an ear off. Paul lifts his foot kicking the side of my face, “ AAY! Why’d you put your dirty ass feet on my face” he just laughs and lifts himself, “ i don't know, i thought my talking bored you so i'm switching the conversation.” he smiles. I smile back looking down at his legs still in my lap, he then puts his head on my shoulder. I look at him and he looks up at me, “ you look so much more alive, i'm so used to you being high or drunk. Well after parties at least, I was scared your addiction was gonna get worse. “ I nod and smile, “ well wanna know something” he lifts his head up quickly, almost hitting my poor chin. His face lights up like a child who got a bike for christmas, “ what is it reesh?” he lifts an eyebrow, “ i havent drank for 2 months now… i mean i was kinda scar-” he stops me by sitting up even more, “ HUH! You bitch! And you didn't tell me sooner!” he says, grabbing my face “ come here! “ he starts to kiss my whole face, even my eyelids. I just chuckle and turn a light shade of red, he then kisses my jaw and puts his hands on my shoulders. I smile and he smiles at me, “ i'm so proud! I wish you told me earlier reesh! I would've gotten something for you, asshole!” i laugh a little and shake my head, “ never came up because of your constant chatter, your mouth is always on a run paulchen” he pretends to be offended. 

He then hugs me, I haven't felt this much love since my dad back in east germany before the wall went down. I start to pull him down in a lying position, making him be on my chest. He starts laughing and plants tiny smooches on my shoulders. I laugh a little, then we both rest for a minute. The silence was sweet, kinda anxious at first but it turned sweet quickly. I started to play with his now bleached hair, it used to be brown but he changed it to blonde when flake did. He moves his arm onto my chest, and draws circles softly. He then lifts his head to meet mine, he grabs my face. For a second we’re just sitting there, staring at each other, his blue eyes bursting into mine. We both lean in, our lips meet, his lips are softer than mine. He tastes like sweet soda from the party and ciggerates. I got an explosion of emotions running through this quick minute kiss, i felt safe, loved, calmed, had belief i could do anything, on top of the world. I then put my hand on the back of his head, pushing our kiss further. He hums a bit, then licks my bottom lip, I open my mouth for him. We both feel each other's mouth for a couple minutes before breaking apart. 

He stares at me, both our bottom lips swollen a tad, he then smiles a bit. I smile back, placing my hand on the back of his neck, rubbing up and down with my thumb. He then leaned back down again onto my chest, “ i hated you when we first met, but then I slowly started seeing you play, and slowly it played with my heart. I've been wanting to kiss you for two years now, a real kiss. Not just a quick peck… im glad you liked it too, i was scared fucking shitless” he then laughs. I sat up, causing his body to react and shoot up to see why I moved. I lean over to him and kiss his cheek, “ i'm glad you did it, that we did this. The main reason I started drinking was because from all the way across the floor of the club I'd see you talking to some girl. The flashing colors were kinda blurred cuz i was crying, you looked at me and always smiled. I just felt like you were just full of it and thinking, maybe if you smiled you’d trick me into happiness. I also started drinking because of all the interactions I had to make out of nowhere, a drink would soothe it, then another, and another. You get where im going, i didnt want to come to the conclusion i liked boys because my step dad drilled in my head gay people were horrid creatures… but now i feel more relaxed, relieved and happy.” i smile at him, taking his hand, and tangling our fingers together. He sighs and looks at me, “ So was the first reason you started drinking?” i shaked my head, “ it was just seeing you so open, i felt like a weird outcast, and all i wanted to do was just be with you at the party. I was trying to push away those thoughts out of fear of being ridiculed and harassed, i was trying to push the thoughts away by fucking girls too convince myself i was a hundred percent ‘ straight’... but reallly i learned slowly i liked you… so much… i was so scared, i would get thoughts of me fucking you too me just being behind you with my hands on your waist just talking to someone together…” i say blushing at the sex part. I'd never thought i would say my internal horny thoughts to the guy i was horny about, or any of these thoughts at all. It was scary, im supposed to be the ‘intimating hot one’ of the group, yet here i was talking to my bandmate about my internalized homophobia towards myself because of simple trauma from my fucking step dad…

Paul smirks and then squeezes my hand, “ well im glad i wasnt the reason you drank, but you knew im bisexual… i wouldve never hurt you because youre gay… do you really think any of us dont like dick at least alittle! Richard, you're such a good human, don't let thoughts like that dictate your everyday life… if you ever need to talk you can talk to me, hell even oliver!” he says as we both chuckle. He then leans in a bit, “ don't worry the girls i was talking too anyways had no personality, they’d just keep talking and talking and talking, if that's me i'd understand if you duct taped my mouth shut! Jesus they never stopped talking about how they LOVED musicians and their friends aunts drama. Like, I just want a conversation to at least be interesting, not about your…. I'm going on aint i?” I smile and laugh, “ I'm used to it don't worry! “ he then smiles and slaps my arm softly. He then gets up and walks near our shared room, since we all could only afford one apartment. He then runs back and grabs my arms pulling me up, “ well reesh, want to just cuddle like two teenagers?” I smile and nod. 

He then hops to the dresser and gets a sweater out that he wears to bed. We already shared a bed so it wasnt out of the ordinary for us to sleep in the same bed together. I walk to the side of the bed and take my shirt and trousers off. I then take my boxers off for new ones, i look over to paul to see him kinda red then look away. I never did this infront of him, not gonna lie I kinda forgot he was there, “ sorry it was so quiet i thought i was alone” he then just smiles and goes to the left side of the bed to lay down. I lay down next to him as he shifts to the side of the bed, I wrap my arms around him and my head is on top of him. We both sigh in comfort, I kiss the top of his head, as he lifts his hands to where my one hand is. He then holds it tighter, “ your warm, and i'm freezing” he whispers. I nod, kinda falling asleep, “ goodnight reesh, sleep well,... i love you” he says i assume closing his eyes. I smile and kiss his head again, “ i love you too paulchen” . we both drift asleep to wherever we go...


	3. Du bist unwiderstehlich

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " what are you staring at?"  
> " you"  
> " no shit sherlock, but why"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have fun :D  
> short fluff  
> -misha

Paul pov

I strum my guitar, sitting on the table in flakes apartment, and I look at him as he reads on the floor with his back against the wall. He looks at me and raises an eyebrow, “ what are you staring at?” I just shrug, “ you”.

“ no shit sherlock- why are you staring at ME in specific?” i bite my lip and look at the floor- lately i've been feeling that fuzzy feeling in your stomach when you meet someone you like and feel an instant love for. Flake had a rough break up two months ago, and he’d be pretty depressed, so i’d come over to cheer him up, hence why i'm here right now. 

“ you have an interesting face, plus your glasses are crooked” he quickly gets his hand near his glasses and fixes them.

“ what’s so interesting? I'm just your average german, except I'm tall and ‘twink shaped’ as Richard puts it '' he emphasizes the quotation marks with his fingers rolling his eyes, but Richards not wrong. He’s always been an interesting looking person, often being the butt of jokes which made him very self conscious, he says he’s gotten over it but he always asks if he looks okay. He always looks good, his eyes and mind are different than mine- i wish he had mine to see what i see in him. If I could, I'd physically take out my eyes and put it in his to see how handsome he is. 

“ I think you're handsome, you’re very handsome actually. You also have a good jawline, im not gonna lie-” he nods, “- i dont see why girls brush you off, your very good looking dude, if i was a girl, i would let you fuck me-” i realise what i said and stop myself from talking any further. I just let my words fall out of my mouth without realising how much I poured out. He is blushing and looking down and his book, picking at the cover of his book. 

“ You think so? I mean, I think I have some good features, but not flat out handsome. Paul, i have a question- you’re older than me so maybe you’ll know more” i scoff and shake my head. 

“ im two years older doktor, not like aljosha- yes you may ask me a question, as long as it's not something about like, meth or something” a laugh comes of him and he just shakes his head, “ its not about meth, trust me” he puts his book on the ground and stares at his shoes, which he stole of a guy who just left it at the venue we were playing at. 

“ have you ever thought about like- erm- dating a boy, kissing. Don't want to sound gross, but, and thinking about making out with one?” he says rubbing his face, his knuckles moving his glasses up, then back down on his face. I turn a light red, and bite the inside of my cheek, looking to the side. Of course i have, but how do i put it into words that i’ve infact done that and even more.

“ Yes, I'm sure most do, but I have kissed boys. Its cool- i like women and men if i'm being honest, they both make me feel good, even non sexually” he nods and looks at me, getting up leaving the book on the ground. He moves to sit next to me, put his hands between his legs, his feet moving back and forth in a tiny motion. He just shrugs huffing.

“ that’s how me and lena broke up, i told her i thought once in year 11 about kissing a boy, and it turned out she was very homophobic… thats why it hurt the most.” he looks at me, seeing only sad and confusion in his eyes. He sits up straight, “ imma head off to get ready for bed, how about you?” I just nod and get up.

“ yeah, i'll brush my teeth and change, i’ll skip the shower” he pats my knee and gets up heading to the restroom…

I walk out the bathroom, with no shirt, and pajama pants on, and flake is going to his room. I must be looking concerned or confused, in another world, because flake looks at me, worried eyebrows on. 

“ something the matter paulchen?” i look at him, he looks glowing, since he washes his face alot, this is gonna be bold. 

“ dont be mad” i say quickly, i grab his face before he can react, and i kiss him. It was a quick kiss, i pull back looking at him. He’s wide eyed blushing, smiling a bit, with concern.

“ im sorry, ill go sleep at ti-” he then kisses my cheek then mouth. He caresses my jaw and looks at me, “ its fine, you can stay” he smiles.

“ im glad one of us did it, i’ve always kinda had a crush on you…”


	4. liebe ist stumm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> love can be shared in many ways
> 
> even in no words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mute paul :D   
> i have two more after this one
> 
> -misha

Mute paul au

Flakes pov

Being Paul's boyfriend is a challenge, he can only talk through hums and pointing. I didn't care that he was a mute, it's just sometimes I wish i heard his voice. 

In the kitchen making dinner, it's stew since that is the only thing I can make, I start to cut the potatoes when I feel someone poking my shoulder. I look over and paul is standing there, freaking out a tad, jumping a little, “ what's the matter paulchen? Did something happened” he nods and points to the restroom “ HMM!” He takes my hand and leads me to the restroom. Entering the bathroom is that our glass cup we use for our toothbrushes has fallen. I look at Paul, “ Want me to help you clean it up?” he shakes his head “ mmm” he goes near the closet and gets the broom and dust pan. He starts to clean it and looks at me, “ hmm” he says waving me to leave. I laugh and walk away, I start to cook more. I leave it to sit for an hour, and go sit on the couch. Paul walks out the bathroom and sits next to me and lifts his legs to his chest and leans on me. I smile and kiss his head, getting a nice hum from him, he gets the remote and turns on the tv, “ mmm” he says smiling. Guess this is a show he likes, it's some show called Futurama, he likes it so ill bare with it. I stare into space until paul pecks my cheek, I look over and smile and give him a small kiss and then a kiss on his cheek. I start attacking him with little kisses all over his face, he starts giggling and I hug him and we're on the couch as I'm attacking him with kisses. He looks over to the stove and hums, “ mmmm! EH!” he says pointing, i look up and see that its boiling over. I run over and turn the stove off. I get a towel and start cleaning it up, Paul is standing by the kitchen walkway, playing with his sleeve as he looks sadly. I clean up the rest and look at paul, “ what's wrong dear? Why are you sad? Were you hungry?” he shakes his head ‘no’. He looks around and finds a piece of paper to write on, he looks at me “ ffmm” I get what he's saying so I go looking for a pen and I find one near the door. I come back and give it to him. He takes the pen and writes slowly. I wait for him to finish, he does this alot when he needs to communicate. I tell him to use his phone but he just shakes his head and writes, “ it's easier to write on paper”. He finishes writing and gives the paper to me, it reads, “ It's my fault, you were too busy cuz i was distracting you, i'm sorry i should've just gone to my room and played guitar “ i look up at him and start shaking my head. He looks at me with a sad face, “ no paul this isn't your fault, its knowones! You know im shit at cooking, honestly it probably wasn't good anyways…'' I laugh. He looks up still sad, I try to hug him, “ MMMHMM!” he says, pushing me alittle. He has episodes where he feels like everything is fucking spinning and all the noise is bad. He starts to rub his hands together, with his sleeves over his hands. I stand there, trying to think of something that would help. I got an idea! I go over to the radio and put on a david bowie song, he likes ‘ starman’ a lot so maybe this will help him. I turn it up and walk back to the kitchen, he's now sitting on the counter. He is starting to calm down, I go over to him, “ want me to rub your back?” he nods and i start rubbing soft circles. He smiles and hums to the song. He then hugs me from the counter and wraps his legs around me, “ My glasses paul” he giggles then fixes his head so it doesn't ruin my glasses. He gets down and goes to the couch, and pats the seat next to him. I smile and go over to him and sit down. He looks at the floor for a moment, then looks up. He sighs and then points to the notebook he has, I grab it for him and he writes something down. He gives it to me, and looks at his legs, “ i want to speak to you, like verbally” i then look up at him surprised. HOLY SHIT! He's gonna talk to me! I'm so happy he trusts me enough to talk to me. He only talks to his mom and it's very few words out together. I nod my head, he inhales then pushes the air out, “ ...i l-l-love f-flake” he says in a whispered tone, he has such a pretty voice. His voice is nice enough to talk for hours! His voice is music to my ears! I smile, “ I love you too paulchen!” I kiss his cheek then lips. He smiles and hugs me after. I pet his head, “ so are you talking to me all the time or like your mom with broken words…” he shakes his head, “ not..a-a-l-l the... time” he says. I can tell he needs a break from talking, so i lay down on the couch and put him on my chest, “ it's fine, i like you talking or humming” he smiles then hums, “ mmm!”. He wont talk everyday, but hearing his hums and very rarely voice will always be a nice warm welcome from him


	5. Liebe im Zeichen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " do you like my voice?"
> 
> " I LOVE IT!"

Schnieders pov

When I was a kid, I was pretty shocked when knowone else spoke with their mouths and not their mouths and hands. You see, my mom is deaf and she taught me sign language while my dad spoke to me as he was born with the ability to hear. When I entered highschool, teachers quickly found out about this and would ask if I could help with meetings with parents, as long as I didn't tell anyone. Not that the meetings were full of good gossip, mostly about grades or punishment for doing some dumbass thing. I also took sign language class, to keep my ability always good! Like taking grammar class! But, i never would've thought i'd be called in the office for something that wasn't a meeting to be translated. 

I'm kinda nervous, am I in trouble? Do they need me for something more serious? The office lady looked at me, “ chris, if you bounce your leg anymore it’ll fall off!” i look at my leg and stop, “ sorry if it was loud, i'm kinda nervous cuz’ they didn't tell me what i was called in for!” I noticed a boy with a shaved head walking into the counselors office, he was extremely tall, like a tower almost! He was rather skinny too, not that it mattered, I'm way too investigative in things about people. It's what’d you call, nosy. After a couple minutes of sitting in a chair of needles almost due to my nerves being on edge the counselor walked out with the boy. He walked near me, “ stop slumping boy, we don't want the new addition to the school to think you're sloppy!” I got up quickly and pulled my pants up, as he said, because I was slumped in my chair. I look up at the boy and smile, “ well, why’d you call me here? Do you want me to help him around or something? ``I notice his, I assume, mother in the back looking at the boy. She seems extremely nervous and is biting her nails, maybe this is his first time in a public school. The counselor, Mr. Fischer, looked at me, “ well, he’s deaf so i assumed maybe you could help him?” i was shocked! This is the first deaf KID I ever talked to! It's always parents that I help out! Not kids my age, or I assume my age, I look at the kid and sign ‘ hallo’ he smiles and signs the same back. I look at Mr. fischer and smile, “ of course! I am more than happy to help him out!” I see his mom sign thank you and walk away. I look at him and smile ‘ what's your name?’ I signed too him, he spelled out his name ‘ o-l-i-v-e-r” i nod, ‘ cool name, imma call you o-l-l-i instead’ he smiles and giggles. I like him very much, “ well, this is after school hours so if you could just show him around, that’d be nice” i nod, “ yeah let me text my dad and we're good to go! “ 

After texting my dad, I took olli around for the tour, we are halfway through now, he’s very quiet. Well duh he’s quiet, he’s just not signing anything much. He’s cute, maybe we should sit down on a bench for a quick break. I want to get too know him, as im a nosy fuck, plus he seems like a very nice dude. I stop and sign, ‘ you want to sit down and have a break, the schools big and shit’ he smirks, ‘ sure, i didn't know this school was this big’ we walk to the bench and sit down. I sit next to him and smile, ‘ it seems like you have never been to public school, were you homeschooled?’ he fidgets his hands then starts signing, ‘ yes, my mom was scared i’d be bullied for not hearing. I can hear, but very little in my left ear, so my earphones are always really high for music’ he laughs. My face lights up, he likes music! I knew he was a man of taste, ‘ what music do you like? Any bands you like the most’ his face seems to light up too, i think i struck an interest. He starts signing fast about how he likes rock music and how it's the easiest to hear, talking about the ramones, and nirvana. I think this is gonna be a great thing

A year later

I laughed, ‘ i fucking hate that teacher’ he smiles and nods, ‘ me too, he once signed too me the wrong thing, it had asshole in it’ i laugh, ‘ what the fuck! What was he trying to say’ he looks at me, ‘ good job’ he rolls his eyes and mouths a little as he signs, ‘ he always tries to scare me, ableist really jumps out of him’ he says smiling and rolling his eyes. I nod and point at him, ‘ want me to try to say something in sign to him and tell him something else?’ olli shakes his head, ‘ depends on what you teach him, but don't teach him anything about dicks’ i laugh and nod, ‘ i'll be back!’ I walked over to the history teacher everyone hated, “ how’s it going sir!” he looks at me, “ christoph, how are you son?” he says smiling, “ im fine! Oliver wanted me to teach you how to say good morning in sign too help you out” he leans against the door of his class, “ im interested” i slowly sign, ‘ i eat shit’ and he signs back perfectly, “ like that! Good job! Well, imma go now too eat the rest of my lunch! Cheers!” he waves goodbye and i run back too olli laughing, ‘ d-o-o-m you did not just teach him i eat shit!’ he smiles wildly, ‘ i sure did, so every time he greets you, it brings a good laugh!’ he sips his water. Flake walks over and sits down, “ hello everyone” he looks to olli and waves. He knows sign too, mostly because his dad forced him to learn seven languages, including sign. I kick flakes leg, “ i tought Mr. Flem something in sign” flake looks at me with his ‘ good god wtf did you do dumbass’ i smile evilly and sign ‘ i eat shit’ causing oliver to laugh and flakes laughs alittle, “ good god doom, this is gonna bite you in the ass one day! But man thats gonna be funny when we see him tomorrow” he laughs more and olli nudges him, ‘ he kinda deserves it, he signed too me everyday go die by accident’ flake just smiles, ‘ hopefully he dies soon, hes old as fuck’ we all laugh and the bell rings, ‘ lets go assholes’.

I walk out of the last class for the day and I get a tap on my shoulder, olli is smiling, ‘ can i walk home with you! I have great news!’ i nod ‘ you don't have to ask i'm fine with it always'. we start walking to my house and he signs, ‘ i'm getting a hearing aid’... HOLY SHIT HE’S GETTING A HEARING AID! I hug him and kiss his cheek, ‘ really! Holy shit! I'm so happy’ he smiles too, ‘ im getting it next week!’ i cant wait for next week! He can get too hear my voice a bit better! I smile and hug him again but this time, i almost crack him in half ‘ i cant wait! Text me as soon as you get it!’ he nodded and signed ‘ of course! Its on monday so i have two days too wait! Im too excited too wait though!’ he smiles and walks alittle faster. If only monday could come faster than ever!

Monday 

Oliver didn't attend school today, for obvious reasons, but I got to see him after school! Last period is going so slow, it's extra slow today! What the fuck! Hurry! The bell rings and i dart out the class and start texting olli, 

Olli :D  
Ive got out of school! Ill be there soon ight!

Olli :D responded

I'll be here, i'm in my room resting tho… my voice sounds super weird tho ngl

I laugh and dart my way to his house, knocking on it like a spaz! His mum opens the door and smiles, “ hes upstairs” i smile, “ thanks mam! You know me too well!” she smiles and motions her hand to the stairs too go up, probably because i look like im going to blow a fucking fuse. I run into his room and it startles him, I wave ‘hello’ to him and go to sit next to him on his bed. He signs, ‘ please don't make fun of my voice, i can't hear everything, but i can hear enough to hear your voice much better, i'll still sign though’ i nod and smile. He sits up and coughs, “ hi doom” i smile and hug him quickly, “ you sound beautiful, i'm so happy olli” i kiss his cheek over and over and he giggles, “ stop, the side of my head hurts” i stop and pull back. He looks at me and smiles, “ do you like my voice?” I nod, “ love it!” he smiles and hugs me again. He kisses my jaw and smiles, or that's what I assume. I rub his back, “ your voice is music to my ears, and now your ears” he pulls back and slaps my arm as I giggle at my dumbass joke. This is the best news i've had in my life, ever!


	6. leave it!

Flakes pov

Paul loves the music store, it always made him feel so welcome in public. I loved seeing him this happy, he always points to something and smiles if its too tall for him, as I'm a tower compared to his height. Today we were in the very store he loves, he has his headphones on, and is having a blast of a time looking through everything. I'm in the isle farther from his, i'm just looking around in the jazz section, even though as i get older, im despising it more. I look at paul to see if he's doing okay, and notice a guy talking to him and he's leaning more into paul, making paul very uncomfortable. I walk over.

I walk to Paul and grab both shoulders and move him aside gently, " may i help you sir" he looks at me and at paul, " the little bitch over there kept ignoring me! Motherfucker should have better manners!" Paul starts fidgeting with his hands and making some noises of obvious discomfort. I look at the man with an angry face on, " what were you telling him?" He just rolls his eyes, " i wanted him to walk home with me, i wanted too have a good fuck with a twink" i get angrier and get closer too his face, " you fat bastard, he's my fucking boyfriend! He's special needs, he doesnt talk, he can wear whatever earphones he wants! You fucking trashmouthed asshole, get the fuck out till i get the owner and have him beat your ass outside of the fucking store" paul hides behind me and hugs my one side. He rolls his eyes and walks away, pushing pauls headphones off, the music playing as his sarrow starts to rise more, " fucking r* tard, we should kill people like you... waste of fucking space! " he walks away, and the owner is there too stop him. The owner grabs the mans shirt and drags him to the front door. The owner lifts his fist and punches the man square into his mouth, he opens the door and mutters something out, and practically throws him out. He walks to us and looks at paul, " its okay paul, hes gone. How about this, ill walk you guys out and ill make sure he doesnt hurt you-" he looks at me "- and you can calm him down" i look at paul and see him crying and huffing as he hits the bottom of his palms against eachother, he then starts hitting his chest hard. I take his one hand and look at the owner, " lets go" he says as we walk out. The owner grabs pauls headphones and walks us out the building, he guides us too our car and looks around, " go home guys, its okay buddy" he looks at paul and smiles, but paul is too upset too care, " thank you" the owner smiles " anytime". I sit hin down in the backseat and sit in the passengers seat, " paul dont hit yourself its fine-" he then yells and hits his chest harder. He starts crying more and just yells " NO! NO! NOT FINE!" I put the seat down and flatten it out so i can sit on it, i grab his hands gently, he starts breathing fast and crying more " NOT FINE! NOT FINE! " he says shaking hard. He then curls up screaming the same words, i hold his hands and then let go too see if he just needs to curl up. He covers his ears and cries more, " scared" he says sobbing harder. I nod, " i know, he was scary, but its okay now. He's gone, he cant hurt you, knowone can, im here too help you. Everyone is, Till would take a punch for you. Remember when ollie helped you before your meltdown got out of hand, how he let you pet his hands cuz of his veins? Were all here for you, and im here all the time. I love you paul, you're my love and im always here too help" he just shakes and lifts his arm out. I take his arm and he pulls on it, " want a hug? Or too pet my hand?" He goes for my hand and pets it. He likes my veins, and my hands are more soft than the others because i play the keyboard and just always putting lotion in because my skin is dryer than a fucking desert! After a couple minutes, he uncurls and lets go of my hand, he sits up and wipes his nose. I get a tissue out my tote bag, and give it too him. He wipes his nose and holds it, " stay here" he points too the seat, he wants too sit there too the ride home, " okay ill get going" i smile and he starts biting his finger softly. He puts his headphones on, and I move to the driver's seat.

After the drive home, we entered our apartments. He walks over to the couch and he grabs his little cat plushy and starts petting it, I put my bag down and go to wash my hands. He hums loudly and I notice him peeking over the couch, " yes dear?" He motions me too sit next to him, " oohh okay, want to cuddle i take?" He nods and smiles. I smile and walk over, sit down and cross my legs, and he scoots over and hugs me, I kiss his head and pet his head. He sighs and lays on my shoulder and kisses my shoulder, i blush and he goes too grab the blanket with his feet- i don't know how he does it, freaked me out when he grabbed the remote with his feet. He then lays it down on us. This is something i will always love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not posting, im going threw alot of anxiety and alot of up and downs of depression. i have bipolar, and i feel absolutely horrible because of it


	7. needles and glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> needles,tears, and recovery

(( TW!! DRUGS AND BLOOD))

Flake pov

I walk out the rehabs doors with my gym bag of clothes and toiletries, I look at my beat up converses i've had since I was 15, being 19 now it's weird they still fit. I look at the light, the sun hurts my eyes. I look in front of me, the parking lot is pretty much empty except for two cars. I sit on the bench, getting my phone out of my bag, which the nurse charged for me to bless her heart. I look at all the notifications. Nothing really there except some messages from family and a couple friends. I open the texts and see till texted me a day ago...

Tills

Hey flake, I hope you're doing good. Would you mind texting me when you come out the hospital so I can pick you up? Love till

I text till him a yes and location, i put my phone away into my hoodie pocket. I look at the trees and the occasional car going by... I itched my arm but stopped because the scabs from shooting up months ago are still there. I miss drugs sometimes, the feeling of no care in the world, it's fun at first until it ruins your skin, family, brain, organs, veins, emotions, eye sight... there's no point in dreading the past. I'm planning on never doing that shit again, not what happened that got me here.

Till knocks on the door of Flake's apartment, no answer, he notices it's open and goes inside. He yells " flake! Ya here dear?" He looks all around the apartment. He notices nothing is even remotely clean anymore. Flakes been in his home for 8 months, he started developing dark circles, bad acne and scabs like he's picking at his skin. Till keeps roaming, he decides to look in the restroom. Just a regular restroom, just a lot of weird stanes, random ribbons and strings around. On top of the toilet lid is a needle, till look at the needle and pick it up. It all crashes on him, he realizes that flake is an addict... the long sleeves that would show bruises and little scabs everywhere from time to time, him constantly picking at his skin, him getting random bursts of energy and just dancing his heart out with me at 4 am. It's all because of the heroin. Till decides to quickly go to flakes room. He opens the door and sees flake on the floor in his vomit, choking and wheezing slightly...

I feel the tears rolling down my face, good got i feel so guilty... Why would I do that to till... I feel like a shitty boyfriend. I dug through my bag and found the picture I had of me and the group. I look at it for a moment, then look up when I hear a car driving towards me. I get up and grab my bag after recognizing it was till, he stops the car and gets out of it running to hug me. He embraced me tightly, not that I was complaining. I wrap my arms around him and bury my head in his hair. I start crying, " I'm so sorry till, so sorry, i shouldn't have made you go through this. I'm so sorry you had to see me go through this..." he shakes his head, " don't be sorry, it's okay. You're better now and that's what counts okay. I'm glad i got you sooner christian... or you would've been dead by now" he whispers into my shoulder. We embrace for a couple more minutes, we let go and he puts his hands on my face, " I'm proud you are clean, i'm glad to see the real flake back" he smiles. I smile too, but still feel guilt... god the fights we had while I was high...

flake kick our bedroom door open, " FLAKE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHY WOULD YOU JUST SCRATCH ME LIKE THAT?!" till screams at flake. Flake turns around on his feet, " YOU STUPID FUCK! YOURE SO FUCKING STUPID! IM NOT ON FUCKING DRUGS YOU DUMB SHIT!" flake says as he walks near the bathroom. Till grabs flakes arm and pins him to the wall, " FLAKE I KNOW YOURE HIGH I FUCKING NO IT! WHAT WOULD YOUR BROTHER THINK? OR YOUR MOTHER??" till screams at him, " I BET YOU'RE DAD IS SO PROUD OF YOU, SO FUCKING PROUD!" flake yells at till, hitting a nerve in till. Till let's go for a quick second and flake pushes till out of the way and slams his body into a mirror in the hallway. Till tries to grab flake again, but flake leans down and grabs a piece of glass. He points it at till and till backs up, " GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU FUCKING WHORE! TOUCH ME ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, I DARE YOU CUNT!" flake screams. Flake drops the piece of glass and screams, " YOU DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME TILL, YOU DONT, YOU THINK IM A FUCKING JUNKIE? YOU THINK I'M SOME GAS STATION HEROIN ADDICT! DON'T YOU!? WELL I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU FREAK! IM NOT A FUCKING JUNKIE! IM NOT ON FUCKING DRUGS YOU SHIT FACE!" till I looked at him, starting to cry. Flake trips on himself and falls on the floor, " FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! I FUCKING HATE THIS PLACE, I HATE MYSELF GOD!" flake yells on the floor. Till grabs flake and pins him on the floor, " FLAKE I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S OBVIOUS! I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP" he says crying and yelling. Flake starts trying to get up, screaming and crying. Flake just stays there crying still fighting, " I DONT NEED HELP, IM FINE, I DONT NEED FUCKING HELP!" flake starts to cry harder, and scratches tills arm. Till feels a liquid running down his arm, flake drew blood. Flake starts slamming his head into the floor, " LET ME GO YOU FUCKING DICK!" he cries out, " please... i... please" till grabs flake and embraces him on the floor. Flake just cries and till looks at the wall as flake cries even harder on his shoulder.

Till hears flake picking at his skin, mumbling to himself in the middle of the night. Till lifts himself up from his bed and looks over to flake. He's picking his face, and most of its bleeding. Till puts a hand on flakes shoulder, " doktor, what's wrong?" he asked. Flake looks at till then shakes his head, " i dont fucking know, just go back to sleep...  
" till sits still then sits up more looking at flake. Flake looks over more, " GO TO FUCKING SLEEP!" he screams. He gets out of bed, grabbing his red and black striped knitted shirt. He grabs his wallet and starts walking out, till gets up quickly and runs to flake, " flake, what's your damn issue? You're making your skin bleed!" flake turns to him, " FUCK OFF! IF I'M GOING TO BE INVESTIGATED LIKE TED BUNDY, THEN I'M LEAVING!" till shakes his head and grabs Flake's hand, lifting it to his face to kiss it. Till says, " please, just what's the matter? Are you anxious? Feeling sad, str-" flake then digs his nails into tills cheek, causing till to unleash flakes hand. Flake then books it out the front door, with till running behind him. Flake runs down the stairs of tills apartment plaza, till running closely behind. Flake runs towards his car, and flake reaches up to him and grabs flake. Flake then screams and starts fighting, " GET OFF ME!" flakes says. He stops squirming and just lets till embrace him. Flake cries, " let me leave, please..." till lets go of flake and nods. Flake then kisses tills head, and walks to his car. Till watches flakes care move out of the parking lot, going somewhere he doesnt know... fuck

I put my bag down on tills couch, i sit down and rub my face, " fuck me, im so tired and hungry. All i ate the whole time was jello and salad, after the seventh fucking jello your sick of that shit. And god I had this roommate who would scream for hours." I said laying down on the couch, my legs and waist dangling off. Till just giggles, and goes to the kitchen. I look at the ceiling, wondering why all of a sudden everything looks less, bright? Well i guess the hospital lights are really bright compared to the natural window light shining in from the very couch im sitting on. I feel till nudge my leg with his foot, I look at him and sit up. He gives me some water and cereal, " sorry i can't cook for shit! So hopefully this is fine" he says sitting next to flake. I just shake my head and smile, " it's fine love. Everything you do makes me happy, even when I used to fight with you..." till looks at his feets and just sighs. He looks at me, " let's not talk about the past right now, we live in the present. And right now we're focusing on you staying healthy and clean" i just nod and smile, i never realized how nice it is not to be loopy n shit. Feels more real, stress and sadness might be a hard battle. I put the stuff down and nuzzle my head into the crease of tills neck, " i'm glad you're helping me, i love you so much" i say kissing his neck then lifting my head. He looks over to me and smiles, he then kisses me and we stay like that for a couple seconds before we break apart completely. He then puts his hand on my face, " you can do this, i love you so much and i know you can get threw anything, now lets unpack your shit and we can watch tv or something" i smile and we both get up. The start of something new....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im reposting old stories to here, so you guys have something. i have my own story as well, a murder au of flake and paul  
> if you guys want, do you want me to post it here?


	8. visions of gideon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have touched you for the last time....
> 
> is it a video? is it a video?
> 
> paul runs off shortly after the fall, flake doesnt know what to think or speak

I have touched you for the last time

Is it a video? Is it a video?

For the love, for laughter, I flew up to your arms

FLAKES POV

" flake, you can move with me, let's run away together! The walls down, we have all the freedom in the world! " He says kissing both my hands, he looks at me smiling slightly. I bite my lip, trying to hold back any tears that could have come out at any time, " i...paul, this was an all of a sudden idea from both of us, i can't, i-i-i" damn this stutter. Paul gets on his tippy toes and kisses me, he grabs my face and leans me in more, he retreats from my lips too look at me, " come on flake, your 18 now! You can leave the nest, the shithole we called home since 61'" i just look at him. What do i say? I don't want to all of sudden leave my family to run off with a secret boyfriend they don't even know about..." Paul, please I can't leave here, I can't leave my family..." I say as the train comes in, he looks at me then at the train. He hugs me tightly and responds tighter, " please flake, please come with me, i love you so much... Please" i cradle his head with my hand and just rock back n forth...

I look at paul, " I can't, I have to stay... You...you can visit anytime... I can't go" he looks at me for a minute and has two tears leave both his eyes, he walks to the train with my hand. He stands at the door, " we can stay at ajosha's place,... Flake please" i look at the ground my converse are dancing back and forth as i try as hard as i can to hold tears. Should i go? I have a bag of clothes, my important stuff, hell even my keyboard. I look at him ",.....fine.... But when we get dropped off can i call my mom?" Paul nods. Paul takes my hand as we enter the train, he puts his bag down and i put mine down. I put my keyboard down as he sits down, " im...imma go pee, ill be back paul" he nods and then stares out the window smiling. I walk to the bathroom quickly, lock it, and sit on the toilet lid. Oh god, what have i done? I left my mom like that, all my family. God. I start crying looking at the floor pushing my glasses up, there's two minutes till we leave to west Berlin. There more excepting of gay people, but god my mom is gonna be so heartbroken i left suddenly. I cry harder than before, noticing a tiny puddle on the floor from my tears. I get up slowly and stare at myself in the mirror, my eyes are bloodshot, my eyeliner from a punk club we went to not even two hours earlier is already smudged.

I hear a knock at the door, " i'll be out soon, sorry sir" i wipe my eyes and put my glasses back on. I walk out the bathroom, the old man entering the bathroom, he stops and looks at me. He smiles, " it's okay son, and I hope you're doing better. I heard you sniffing and crying, whatever happened is fine son. Take care son" he then locks the door. Why did this old man just randomly talk to me? I just sigh and slowly walk back to where Paul was sitting, I look at my shoes as I'm walking and count the steps. One step at a time, I can calm myself and guilt more down. I then make it to my seat and sit next to him, he looks at me and frowns a bit, " is something wrong flake?" He ask. I shake my head and force the weakest smile ever, he takes my hand into his and kisses my shoulder, " flake somethings wrong, please tell me" i sigh. I look at him and kiss his head, " its nothing, i'll tell you when we get to the flat" he just sighs, " if you say so, but i know you're upset about leaving your mom" i look at him and just sigh. I look at the seat in front of us, " I have bad guilt, Paulchen, always have paul. I'm gonna get shit for this, but i want to stay with you. That's the thing, i just" i sniff and i notice him caressing my back. I need to leave before the train leaves, " paul, im leaving... i love you but i cant im sorry" i grab my things quickly and head for the exit. Pauls running behind me, " christian, please no" . I walk off the stairs and look behind me to see he is standing on top of the stairs. I look at him, crying now. More than i did before, my eyes hurt now, " christian, please... we have all the freedom in the world in berlin. Come on dear, please" he leans down and puts his hands on both sides of my jaw. I cry and shake my head, " call me when you get there, i'll join you sometime...'' I lean in and kiss him, and put my forehead on his. He looks at me, and we stare at each other for a moment, I hear the announcement saying the train is leaving the station right now. Paul stands back and cries, and the train goes away into the distance, I stare at it having my hands in my pocket. I grab my stuff and walk away.

Walking home, with my stuff in my hand, I'm crying really hard. I feel like my throat is choking on a goodbye I couldn't say in time. I sniff loudly, making a disgusting noise, passing empty apartments now that the DDR is down. I hug my keyboard walking to my house, my glasses are covered in tears, he's gone, i'll see him again, but right now he's gone. I wipe my eye with my sleeve, and then my nose. I start huffing, trying to hold back tears, biting my tongue, I then start sobbing loudly. I start to walk fast home, my bag swinging back and forth violently. I stare at my feet while walking, I then stare at my hand, noticing it shaking. Will he call me once the party is over? When he's finally settled in his new happiness of leaving home? I've torn my shirt to stop your tears, and you leave me for your " creative freedom". I can lie and say that I'm glad you're happy, which is true, I'm miserable... I miss him already, we've said unofficial goodbyes, yet it feels like i just kissed him goodbye as he goes to war... Why did he leave knowing I'd be sad? Does he care? Everything is going so fucking fast, i cant take it, im so confused and sad. I guess i didn't notice but i've been staring at my door for two minutes, i fish for my keys in my pocket while crying harder. I enter the house, noticing everyone is asleep, I see the fireplace is still lit. dad isnt home yet, which is why it's still lit... I lay my stuff on the couch. I go to sit in front of the fireplace, putting the radio on lightly... some sad song comes on.

I stared into the fireplace, everything has changed since everything went down... it's all changed. I've never felt such confusion and loneliness till this all happened... I just want him right now, the warmth from the fireplace isn't enough. I want his warmth, his voice, not the voice of the fire or the radio. To hear his guitar with his mediocre voice... too feel his warm lips on mine, and not the kiss of warmth from the heat of fire. Is he gonna forget cuz of how free everything is. I start sobbing, sniffing quietly to not wake anyone up. I look up at my family pictures, a picture of me and Paul laying in the grass laughing during a vacation he attended with my family. I look down at my feet, hugging my knees to my face, my jeans getting wet from tears. I hear footsteps behind me and see my mom, " christian? What are you doing up-" she then steps closer and looks at my bag and keyboard then at me facing the fire, " im sorry, i-i-i didn't mmm" i say struggling to speak, daming this stutter. She comes to me quickly and leans too see my face, " what happened flakes?" she says petting my shoulder, " p-p-paul left to ber-ber-berlin with umm without m-m-m" she interrupts me with a hug. I hug her tightly crying harder, " he left me mom, hes gone! Why did he leave me!? My heart hurts mutter..." she hugs me tighter and rubs my back and shoulder, " its okay christian, he'll be back and call you okay...:" i just nod my head. I sigh, " i just want him here with me, i miss his hugs..."

Sadness overwhelms me hard...

I have touched you for the last time

Is it a video? Is it a video?

For the love, for laughter, I flew up to your arms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> tschüss


	9. A secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flake has one big secret she‘s failed to tell till
> 
> Shes trans

Flakes pov

Im sitting on me and tills bed, right on the edge, as his hands caress my sides. He kisses my lips one more, then kisses my jaw, going down slowly. I shudder, getting goose bumps all over my body, decorating my body with pleasure. I slide my hands onto his back climbing it up to the back of his neck, my thumb gliding up the baby hair going to fuller hair on his head. He looks up at me smiling, i smile back with red coming onto my cheeks. Im scared of him going lower, because i have a secret i never told him.

I am a trans woman. 

„You’re very beautiful christina“, he says smirking to me, i giggle nervously but try to hide it as best as possible. I blush and he goes back to my collarbone, planting wet kissed all over it. He reaches to the hem of my blouse and pulls it alittle bit, a non verbal way of telling me to lift my arms. I do as silently commanded, when it comes off, my hair bounces back down onto my shoulders. He reached behind to my back, and unhooks my bra. I blush, whenever he does this i always blush and giggle like a teenager, and till always likes it. Finds it amusing…

„You look so cute when your shirtless, blushing“ he then kisses between my breasts, i smile as he brings his hands up and down my sides. We‘ve only made it to me giving him a blow job, never to me being naked, and making it towards second base. He brings his hand from my side to my chest, lightly touching my right breast. He starts squeezing a bit, and constantly fondle them. I let a moan out, as he passes over my nipple, he knows me very well what makes me moan and feel good. He kisses my left breast, licking over my nipple as well, kissing around it before going down to my tummy. Im so nervous, should i tell him? I dont want him to be grossed out and throw me out of his apartment naked. I push his shoulders to lightly him off me.

„Whats wrong? Are you okay flake?“ i shake my head and just look at him sighing.

„No, im okay- well im nervous, cause‘ i need t-to,erm, w-w-wwell i nnn-need to t-„ i sigh, a frustrated sigh. I hate my stutter. „T-to…“ till gets up and hugs me,my head on his stomach as he hugs my head lightly.

„Take a breath dear, i listen to what you want to hear baby“ i look up at him and nod. 

„Dont f-f-freak out okay?“ i then get up and look at him in the face, im so nervous, shaking like a leaf. He takes my hands and rubs it.

„Umm, the reason i dont undress, or never want to have full, fledged sex is because-„ he looks at me and tilts his head a tiny bit, „-because im trans…“ he looks at me. Shocked.

I ruined everything, „ ill go, im sorry!“ i start crying and grab my shirt and bra. I head for the bedroom door, grabbing my bag. I sniff rubbing my eyes from the tears, i look at my hand and see my makeup smudged on it.

„ WAIT! CHRISTINA DONT GO!“ I turn around, trembling, my hand holding my bad straps, clinging to them like there gonna save me, not wanting to let go…

„Don’t be sorry, i just wasn’t excepting that information, i was shocked cause‘ i wish i knew this sooner. You’re still my girlfriend at the end of the day, your still the same pretty woman i love and know“ he walks over to me, as im standing in his kitchen/livingroom. He takes my hands, wiping my cheek with his thumb. 

„ how bout‘ this, ill help you clean your makeup and we can do whatever you want for the evening-„ i interrupt him by hugging him, and i squeeze him with relief. He hugs me back, i feel his smiles.

I whisper a ‚thank you‘ and lean down to kiss him. He kisses back, his hand on my bare back, as im still shirtless. 

„Can we just cuddle in your room, my boobs kinda hurt, there sensitive“ 

„Of course, ill be more gentle“ he then takes my hand and we walk to his room.

We‘re cuddling on his bed, some ice on my chest, as my chest is rather sensitive today. He‘s petting my hair. Im happy this went better than expected.


	10. W-WANDAVISION W-W-WANDAVISON

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by wanda vision 
> 
> Paul gets a visit from him

(inspired by WandaVision)

Pauls pov

Bored. So bored. He’s not home, he’s at work. I take a break from making dinner, I put my hands down, making the bowl elevate down lightly. I yawn and stretch my back, I open the kitchen door to the living room to see what's on TV because that's honestly all I can do. I look to the couch to see Richard there, not realising I open the door with my hand, with a blue glow coming from my hands. Luckily he didn't see.

“Oh! Hi reesh, w-what do you need?” He gets up looking mad, he walks over and i look at him in the eyes.

“ what did you do to him?”

“ huh?” a genuine ‘huh’ comes out of me, having no idea what he’s talking about. He’s very angry that i have no clue what he’s talking about.

“ i know heiko” 

“ what?” I say itching my arms to hide the pulsating nerves i get because of the powers.

“ your powers, i know” 

“ No you don’t” he steps closer, keeping a dead face on shaking my head, glaring straight into his pupils. His hands start shaking, his eyes turning to pure anger.

“ you’re not german, found that out too, I know you’re russian. You’re a witch.” I just shrug, pretending not to be shocked on how he found this out. 

“ Of course, I've told Till this, did he just tell you?” I stifle a laugh and he slaps me. I retract my head back, feeling the sting from his slap burning on my right cheek. I need to control myself, i'm not gonna hurt him, not because of just pure puppy play of slapping me.

“ you did something to till didn't you? Don’t lie to me heiko-``I then wave my two fingers together across my face, a blue glow showing. He then gets pushed back, as the anger takes me inside, still trying to hold back from worse. I grow higher, noticing i'm flying a bit. 

“ I did no such thing, get out of my house. сейчас же.” I say tilting my head.

He laughs, like this is a joke and not a threat out of anger, he gets up and comes close to me, me looking alittle down at him. Settling my self down, getting my magic cooled.

“ i know what you did, don’t act innocent, he doesn't remember a thing! I know it was YOU” he grits his teeth after that thought, his eyes are turning to something different. I notice it's red, all red. 

“ you’re a witch too...hmm, maybe it was yo-” I get pushed into a wall, the wall cracking as I let out a groan, feeling my right shoulder blade feel a sting.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” I say getting up, he then throws some type of magic ball at me, i dodge it and get up with levitation. I then close both my palms until he's down on the floor, hands behind his back, and he groans as I circle my hands for it to be secure that NO magic can break other than me.

I lower down, and look into his eyes noticing he’s so angry, he’s red. I leaned down to his face, my eyebrows moved up in anger.

“ I.DIDN'T.DO.ANYTHING!” I then let him go, and push to the wall, more power gathering in my hand, holding him in my grip with my other. My magic turns to the color red for anger, his eyes turn blue, his fear turning into his regular eyes. I walk over, my hand turning black.

“Y-y-you’re scaring me, i-im sorry, i didn't know i ha-” i grab his throat and lean in, my hair turning into a flurry off all around me. I look straight into his eyes, taking the blue bundle of magic to the side of his head.

“ God damn right, you should be scared of me. I’ll give you a chance to leave, no-'' something pushes me away, my magic shocked off. Richard runs as I get up, my head hurting, a ring off my power coming off me hitting richard. He yells, I turn around and notice his leg is burnt, he runs faster. He closes the door with his magic, I look at the floor, crying. W-what pushed me?

Flake comes over and picks me up with his telekinesis, and hugs me. 

“I-im not in control, i don't know what happened” i hiccup as he nods, “ he hurt me, it made me lose control, am i in control anymore?” he shakes his head and looks at me.

“ I sensed it from work, I came as soon as I could.” I nod and lean into his chest.

Am I losing control?

“это видео? Я все теряю, если бы я был нормальным …” i say in russian. I want to be normal, so bad, why was i giving such a hard gift?

How do i get out this nightmare.

больше не контролируем без него, i need to control.


	11. I am not piece of cake, for you to just enjoy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> richard questions if till REALLY loves him... or is it a fraud to get in his pants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I inspired by this gif  
> https://twitter.com/xxfrauflakesxx/status/1370913660500013057?s=21
> 
> Enjoy :D

I wash my hands in the hotel sink, getting rid of my contact lenses, pissed. Why would till do that on stage in front of EVERYONE? We‘ve fucked, he knows it turns me on, so why would he do it.

 _I strum my guitar and look into the crowd, trying to be intimidating to the audience. I adjust the mic and look to till, looking at hum shirtless is a pleasing sight for the eyes, i've seen more of him though-i know what his lower half looks like, i know what it tastes like and how big it is. He glances towards me, i wink at him, licking my lips tasting salt from the sweat. He walks over in a strut, smirking before singing again. I'm so focused i dont notice he’s next to me until I see a big hand in front of me. That’s when he struck. He grabbed my left_ _peck, and rubbed it, passing over my nipple and rubbing it with the palm of his hand. He knows what he’s doing. I moan quietly trying to hang onto the mic to pretend I didn't have a raging boner. As soon as the show ended i ran to my dressing room, locked the door, and jacked off. I thought about till doing that as he rails me from behind, like in the 80s. I cum so hard I shake on the floor, now showered in sweat and cum. I lay on the floor, shaking and moaning from the stimulation, staring at the ceiling …_

I take another shower in my hotel room. I need to dye my hair silver again, it's fading. I ruffle my wet hair and huff, still pissed that Till would embarrass me like that- all if a sudden there's a knock at the door. I roll my eyes and grab the nearest boxers to cover everything. I walk over to the door and open. It's Till.

 _‘What’_ i say in a pissed off tone, obviously not wanting to be involved in stupid small talk. Till looks hurt at my attitude.

‘ _just wanted to see where you went, you disappeared after the show ended. Did something happen?’_ He asked, his eyebrows turning into concern for me.

 _‘Ppfft! Im fine! Totally not embarrassed of you grabbing my left tit basically; You know that turns me on till! We have sex enough for you to know that!’_ Turn around and walk to me and his bed, forgetting I shared it with him. He softly walks in, closing the door shut nicely. I grab the box of cigarettes off the table.

 _‘Im sorry...i wont do it again..’_ the sadness in his voice hurt me like a shot in the chest. I sigh, knowing I'm being too harsh.

‘ _no no it's okay baby-‘_ i scoot over and kiss his shoulder ‘- _i was just surprised and embarrassed about popping a boner over just getting my nipple rubbed’_ he smirks.

‘ _I’ll keep that in the bedroom babe-''_ he leans closer to my ear, ‘- _i wish i could have sucked you off and seen your orgasm and hear your moans’_ i blush at the comment he made, he just chuckles then kisses my head.

 _‘You’re so easily bashful’_ looking away i get the lighter and light my cigarette, inhaling it into my lungs to push out. Till gets up to find something, opening his suit case as I stare to the floor.

1987

_Till lays down with a huff, as I smoke sitting up, both naked. He rubs his eyes and groans, ‘can we fuck with the lights on more?’ he asks smiling me. I shrug and smirk._

_‘You want to see my beautiful face more, you do see my shoulder alot when you’re top’ he rolls his eyes as I stick my tongue out. I smoke the last of the stick, and burn it out in a cup of water from months ago._

_‘ you’re taking that in’ till says pointing with his right hand, very lazily. I smile._

_‘ yes daddy, i'll take my dishes in! I shall do my homework now!’ He smacks my arm as I cackle, he then shushes me._

_‘ nele is here, be more quiet’ i stop and just stifle a laugh as he smiles and starts chuckling. I then lay down and scoot close._

_‘ you can cuddle me. I'm not scary babe’_

_‘Say no more’_

_I cuddle up closer to him, he lays his arm out for me to lay in like a puzzle piece just made for one simple puzzle. I then lay my head on his chest, humming at the warmth, feeling like i'm laying on a pillow. He brings his hand, almost hugging my head, to brush threw my hair with his fingers._

_‘ do you love me?’ my random question stopped till in his dead tracks, looking down at me with shock i just, on a whim asked that._

_‘ of course, you’re my best friend, lover, and pretty mucha second dad to nele-’ he kisses the top of my head ‘-i will always love you scholle, don't forget that, no matter the pain or doubts,.. I love you’_ _smiling at the thought till just pouring his heart a little too made me, beyond this world happy. Over our wall, over the berlin wall, over france,america, the whole world._

_‘I love you too’ is something I'll never regret saying, a promise i know i can keep, i love this man more than anything in this world._

Current time (1997)

I smile at the memories, but i now have i have severe doubt in that statement. Would he lie to me to make me feel like i wasnt being used as just a sex object? Or was it more than i made it, maybe he meant as a friend? But he said ‘lover’ pretty clearly… i’ve noticed he’s been separating from me for women, when all i want is a kiss, nothing else. He’s probably fucked some girl in the very bed we sleep in- for cheaper reasons and loving reasons; im not sleeping in that bed, knowing he touched someone else. My heart breaks, but we were never together. Why am i so upset over this? I havent fucked a single girl or guy since touring with the boys, only fucking till.

1990

_‘ oh fuck till, gott!’ I say, as he starts to quicken his rhythm, he moans and grabs a handful of my butt. He lets go and spanks the same spot._

_‘ OH! Hit that spot again! OH JA, JA, JA’ i yell, as he starts to pound me, nothing but skin slapping, my moans and his grunting. He doesnt moan much, but i don't care, my body is in total sensation. I feel the burning in my stomach, a early warning_ _that im gonna cum in a couple seconds._

_‘ t-till...i-im g- FUCK!,...c-come’ i arch my back, feeling my muscle clenching around his cock, shaking as i feel my cum shooting onto my stomach. My legs shake lightly, he pounds me harder until he cums. He leans down, biting my neck, both of us breathing heavily. I smile as he bites one more time, as I feel him pull out. I feel his cum dripping out of me, I feel his fingers drift over my hole, collecting some. He wipes it off on his chest._

_‘ Sorry, I came to you, let me get a towel so you don't end up a gross mess’ he gets up, his naked body looking so beautiful. He walks off into the bathroom, i sit up and yawn- im always tired after sex, usally falling asleep after first, till taking care of me after. Sometimes I'm too exhausted to get up and get a drink of water. He always brings me water, and a warm blanket- unless it's summer- so we can cuddle up in it. We always end up tangled after a night of sleeping. Luckily for till, the mother of his daughter is taking care of her for the weekend, so we take our advantages of being loud and being more aggressive._

_Till is a gentle bear, he looks scary and terrifying, when he’s just a mama bear_ _looking for a cub, and taking care of his lovely boyfriend bear- though im nothing like one, i'm like a parakeet._

_‘ here you go’ i take it and kiss his cheek, getting up._

_‘ thank you, i'll go clean up, then can we listen to the radio?’_

_‘ aren’t you tired? Cause’ imma pass out_ _from the exhaustion of pounding you, Mr.G-spot is at a weird angle.’_

_‘ i can't control my ass anatomy, now i shall clean mine because you love this ass’ he then laughs and cracks his back._

_I finish cleaning myself out, and walk back into the bedroom with my boxers on, and tills shirt. Its tradition to steal your partner's shirt. I see till leaning on the windowsill, smoking into the cool breeze. I tiptoe over, grinning._

_‘How's the weather?’ I say near his ear, he jumps and hits his elbow with a huge thump._

_‘FUCKING CHRIST ZVEN, GOD-‘ he holds_ _his elbow, his cigarette wasted. He burns it out , and turns around rubbing his face._

_‘Sorry’ i giggle, ‘ wanted to sneak up on ya’ he just smirks and grabs my head to kiss it._

_‘You’re gonna kill me’_

_‘We can die together’_

_Current day_

We sit in very awkward silence, which is happening alot. He’s sitting on the ground, a cup of water ever in one hand, a pen in another, and his notebook on the floor. A cigarette hanging out his mouth, him humming out the words, then scratching them out.

 _‘ you don’t love me anymore do you_?’ he whips his head around, taking the stick out his mouth. My chin is in my right hand, a burned cigarette in my old cup of beer, drawing circles in my thigh.

 _‘ No, where did you get that idea?’_ I roll my eyes and get up to get a beer from the mini fridge the hotel gave us.

 _‘Dont bullshit me till, you dont even like to fuck me anymore’_ i flately say, as best as possible at least. I dont want him to see im close to tears.

_‘I always loved having sex with you-‘_

_‘Its not all about the sex you fucking idiot’_

_‘Then what is it about?’_

_‘Isnt it pretty FUCKING obvious! You.dont.loveme.! Say it how it is lindemann, you rather fuck some blonge chick than the man you live with it, and fuck. You tell me, ‘ oh reesh i love you’ you’re full of shit arent you?’_ he looks at me stunned, hurt stinging in his eyes, his mouth opening slightly then closing.

 _‘ know what, ill go sleep in pauls room, i shouldve never let you touch me’_ i get up and grab my duffle bag, i stomp near the door, beer in my left hand. I grab the door knob, before i see a shadow on the door.

 _‘Richard, where'd you get that assumption? I still love you very much, the reason im fucking those girls is because of the constant fear that i might be gay… im not scared of being gay, im scared at the reaction ill get, i-UGH’_ he huffs, as i turn around i look at him in the eyes.

 _‘Weird, when i hear you fucking some whore, your orgasm sounds exactly the same. Im obviously nothing special too you, just a hole to fuck, ja?’_ i tilt my head rasing an eyebrow, he rubs his face sighing loudly, frustrated.

 _‘Richard, das ist kein richtiger Orgasmus…’_ he whispers, tiny german words.

_‘ so you don’t actually orgasm when we fuck, you’re digging your own grave ti-’_

_‘ RICHARD, Halt die Klappe und hör zu! Nein! Es ist echt!... I’m more vocal correct?’_ i nod, as vocal as he gets is a loud sigh and tiny compliments about my beauty, how tight i am.

 _‘ notice how i say NOTHING when i orgasm in girls?_ ’ fuck, now i caught my foot in my mouth, he’s right. They arent real. But is the love.

 _‘ but what do you call it when we fuck, fucking or making love?’_ a true question, it confirms if he actually loves me. A slow fuck is what i call ‘making love’ or just doing it for the beauty of your lover. He looks at my hands, and takes a deep breathe.

‘ i see it as making love, Richard, i truely love you. I dont know how to-’ He covers his face, sniffing, hinting he’s close to tears, _‘-h-how to show you, its so hard i-....ich liebe dich reesh, mein liebe…’_ he whispers. I pull him into a hug- wishing i never asked the question, not knowing he’d be hurt. I drop my stuff as i feel him grip the back of my shirt, crying into my shoulder.

 _‘ it’s so hard to express myself, my whole life, i-i’m sorry richard’_ he sniffs, hugging me more tight.

 _‘Nein, es tut mir leid, ich hätte fragen sollen’_ i kiss his temple, smiling into the crook of his neck, my hands rubbing his back for comfort. He then lets go of me after what seemed like four years of love from the DDR days. He holds my shoulders in place, my hands holding his wrist with a smile.

 _‘ tut mir leid…’_ he smiles, _‘ its okay, lets forget about this for right now, you have dark circles and eyeliner smudged. Lass uns schlafen gehen?’_

 _‘ bitte’_ He chuckles, and his lips meet mine, its loving, warm and welcoming. I love these types of kisses from him.

 _‘ Ich liebe dich, till... ‘_ I whisper, he holds my hands.

 _‘Du augh, reesh’_ we both smile…

Im laying on his chest like countless other times, but clothed, and tired. His warmth is so welcoming, him playing with my hair and talking alittle every couple of minutes. I enjoy the silence, so much my eyes feel heavy, i close my eyes and sigh smiling. Till then kisses the top of my head.

 _‘ you shouldnt sleep in your jeans you know’_ Damn, forgot to change. I do as told and go back to bed, noticing him with sweatpants and sleeveless shirt on. I then curl up next to him, hugging him as he hugs me back, lying in the crook of his neck- taking his scent in of smoke,cologne, and beer, which is very comfortable too me actually. He used to complain about me smelling of smoke, now he enjoys it.

 _‘ guten nacht liebe…’_ he yawns, snapping me out of my thoughts that run wild every second. I smile and his his collar bone.

 _‘ guten nacht meine liebe’_ we both close our eyes, drifting into whatever we go where we sleep. We lie in silence and finally sleep, hums and snores heard in our room. I smile right before hitting deep sleep. A weird night ended well, hmm.


	12. hilfreiche Hand

Flake grabbed the nearest shirt to put on, brushed her teeth, put her hair up, and took her pants off to just be in her underwear. The shirt was big enough for her to sleep in, and it was till’s so it held certain comfort. But one thing she hated the most of her evening was putting hormones in infront of till. 

Not that she hated him looking, or asking for help, in fact she felt very flattered hearing her boyfriend want to help. But, she was always nervous, no reason to being to nervous. She grabbed her hormones and everything accommodated with it. She thought as she got it out of her tiny bag to be safe, ‘ i should let till maybe do it this time, he’s your boyfriend of 4 years! It would mean alot if he did it, i trust him enough and love him alot to do it. That would mean alot,... to me and him.’ taking a deep breath she got all the supplies and head off to the bedroom her, and her boyfriend share. Till is in bed reading and writing at the same time, ‘ man of many talents’ flake thinks. She puts down her things on the side of the table near her side of the bed, and sits down. Crossing her legs, she leans over a bit to see what he’s reading. Till notices and leans over, grabbing the side of my head gently and giving the other side of my head a smooch. I giggle a bit and wave my hand away lightly to get his hand away, in a friendly gesture of course. He laughs and puts his book down.

“ hello sweetheart, you look exhausted,” he’s not wrong, shes exhausted from having to be in practise all day with schnieder, working on a on-going, pain in the ass song they couldn’t quite get right. Driving them all to sanity. Flake thinks, then smiles at the plan she stewed up to ask him to give him his hormones.

“Gott, im exhausted, i dont want to even move, but i have to inject my hormones… umm… if you’re comfortable with it.... Can you put my hormones in” flake says grinning. Till is mind blown at the request, not in a bad way at all! In a way of feeling like he’s trusted with such a task flake does to feel, well, like who she is! It means alot to her, and her asking for him to give him hormones makes him happy with trust and comfort he felt. 

“ of course!” till put his two books down, and looked at flake. She smiles and leans over to get the syring and hormones. She gets up, and till looks.

“ imma she you how you do it” she should him the whole routine, till nodding taking notes in his head. She ends the instruction and smiles. She goes near till across the bed and gives him it.

“ you ready dear?” she asks, till nods as flake leans back to pull the left side of her underwear down to show her upper thigh. 

Till gets the hormones into the syringe and neals down, looking at the side of his girlfriends thigh, nervous as hell.

“ umm- if i hurt you or doing it wrong, just tell me oka-”

“ till, baby dont worry, i know you’ll never hurt me, plus its not rocket science and you know more than rocket science” she giggles.

Till then takes a deep breathe, and puts the needle in. he pushes the handle and it slowly goes in. When it runs out, he takes it out. He pats it lightly, he looks up and flake is smiling at the sweet sight of her boyfriend helping her with this type of thing. Her hearts so warmed, almost in tears

“ that was perfect till! Come here!” she leans down and kisses till’s face.

“ let’s go to fucking bed, im so tired, and thank you very much till,... it means the world…” till gets up and hugs flake, rubbing her back and kissing her head and ear. Flake smiles, and just blushes. 

“ come on big bear, i dont want to be crushed to death. I like being alive thanks” till laughs and moves to go to bed.

Till watches as flake puts all her stuff away, sitting on bed waiting for her so he can kiss her goodnight. She walks twice out the bathroom to retrieve the rest of the supplies and puts it away, nice and safe. Till enjoyed to view of his girlfriends behind, since shes wearing only underwear. Flake comes back for one last thing and till playfully pinched her behind and she yelped a bit. He just smiles.


End file.
